On the Couch
by Cattiechaos
Summary: Valentine's Day never goes over well in the Akatsuki. HidaDei mischief; Warning: lime in the omake.


_Author's Note: A humorous Valentine's Day fic! Inspired by the artist blumarine's epic drawings - be sure to check them out on deviantart! The images in particular that inspired this fic are her Sleepy Deidara and Sleepy Hidan pictures. One word: meep! :3_

_Disclaimer: HidaDei pairing - if yaoi isn't your cup of tea, please turn back now. It is mostly fluffy, but there is a lime in the omake at the end. The following characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto. _

**On the Couch**

**by Cattiechaos**

* * *

"It's only for one night."

"Fuck you. No."

Kakuzu felt the beginnings of a headache form as he watched the Jashinist cross his arms and scowl in defiance. He would have thought himself immune to Hidan's complaining by this point, but the pounding in his temples begged to differ.

"It won't kill you to sleep on the couch for one night," Kakuzu said firmly. "You have no choice, unless you want to sleep on the floor."

"Are you insane?" Hidan demanded, eyes widening in indignation. "It's the middle of fucking _February_! I'll freeze my ass off!"

"Blame Tobi for not having a place to sleep tonight," the stitched man said dismissively.

The Jashinist's face darkened. "I'll kill that fucker," he swore, "him and his fucking heathen holiday..."

* * *

_(Flashback - 10 minutes ago)_

"_Hiiiiidan-saaan~!" _Tobi sang, prancing into the Jashinist's room. "What is Hidan-san doing?"

Hidan was, in fact, in the middle of one of his rituals. Floating in the blissful realm of pain, he cracked open one eye to see the little masked boy bouncing in front of the door.

Which meant that the blissful realm of pain was about to go up in smoke.

"Hidan-san, there is a giant pike impaled in your chest," Tobi said helpfully, staring at the jutting object in fascination.

"No shit, Sherlock!" Hidan groaned, yanking the pike out of his chest and grunting at the subsequent rush of pain. "What the hell are you doing in my room?"

He really shouldn't have asked.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Hidan-san!" Tobi cried, reaching into the folds of his cloak and withdrawing a frilly pink object. Hidan only had to see the sparkles and lace before he started to feel very, very afraid.

"What the hell is that?" Hidan asked apprehensively, as he stared at the item cradled in Tobi's hands.

"It's a Valentine!" Tobi gushed, sounding astonished at the sadist's ignorance of Valentine's Day. "I made it out of Deidara-senpai's special clay!"

Hidan's eyes widened. "The fucking exploding clay?!" he roared, stumbling backwards. "Get the fuck out of my room!"

"But, Hidan-san!" Tobi cried, blocking off Hidan's only escape route. "It won't explode! Deidara-senpai's clay only explodes when he says..._katsu_!"

_BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

The force of the explosion sent Hidan hurtling across the room, smashing through two doors and colliding with -

"_Guh - what the fuck, un?!?_"

Dust and debris settled across the room, amidst falling shrapnel and splinters of wood. Dazed from the force of the explosion, it took Hidan a moment to realize that something had broken his fall. It was only after a full five seconds of befuddled staring did Hidan realize that it was a certain blonde bomber he had fallen on, and that blonde bomber had been in the process of coming out of the shower, soaking wet, with only a towel preserving his modesty. And this towel was just barely hanging on.

Flying several dozens of feet and smashing through a wall tended to disorient people, and Hidan was no exception. Slowly, the Jashinist's brain processed three things.

One, Hidan was on top of Deidara.

Two, Deidara was half-naked.

Three, Hidan was on top of a half-naked Deidara.

Oh...fuck.

"_HIDAN! GET YOUR FUCKING SHIRTLESS ASS OFF OF ME! KATSU!"_

_BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

_(End Flashback)_

* * *

Hidan twitched at the unwelcome flashback. Who knew that Deidara kept clay on him at _all _times?

"Why do _I_ have to sleep on the fucking couch?" he complained. "Tobi's the one that blew shit up, and then Deidara goes and demolishes my entire frigging room with his damn clay..."

"It's between you and him," Kakuzu shrugged, clearly indifferent to Hidan's plight. More importantly, the gaping hole in Hidan's room would now have to be repaired, and that cost _money_. This did not please Kakuzu.

"Well I'm not sleeping on the fucking couch!"

* * *

Hidan was sleeping on the fucking couch.

It didn't even deserve to be _called _a couch, Hidan griped, as he tossed and turned in a vain attempt to find a comfortable position on the damn thing. Twice, he had fallen off and smashed his head against the ground. On top of that, it was fucking _freezing _in the living room, to the point where Hidan could no longer feel his fingers - or more important things, for that matter. Why was it _he _that was fucking punished for something _Deidara_ did?

Muttering under his breath, Hidan snatched his flimsy blanket and stomped towards Deidara's room, hammering on the door.

"_Who the hell is that, un_?!"

Unfortunately for Deidara, he had left his room unlocked that night, which meant that Hidan was free to grab the knob and fling the door wide open.

Deidara bolted upright, eyes widening at the sight of Hidan standing outside his room - at two in the morning, no less. "Isn't it bad enough to be sexually assaulted _once_?" the blonde demanded, flushing as he pulled the covers around him. "Stop trying to molest me and get out of my room, un!"

"Hey!" Hidan complained, resting against the doorframe. "I didn't exactly want to smash into you while you were coming out of the fucking shower, you know!"

Deidara turned red at the thought of the day's previous occurrence, which he remembered all too clearly. "Like hell you didn't, you immortal bastard," he muttered, growling under his breath.

"So fucking _fiesty_," Hidan grumbled, crossing his arms in a vain attempt to keep himself warm in the subzero temperature. "Hey, so it's cold as hell out there and the couch is full of lumps, so is it alright if I sleep in here?"

"_Are you crazy, un?!?!?_"

"Fuck you, you toasty little bitch!" Hidan cried, shivering. "This isn't exactly what I want either but my ass is freezing out here!"

"That's your own damn fault, Mr. I-Don't-Ever-Wear-A-Shirt," Deidara muttered, snatching his blanket and lying back down so that his back was turned to Hidan. "Do whatever the hell you want, un."

"Are you sure you want to give me that leniency?" Hidan smirked, a devious expression crossing his face.

Deidara rolled back over in a flash. "I _knew _it!" he exclaimed. "I_ knew _you liked seeing me come out of the shower, yeah! No _way _are you staying in my room now -- you can turn into a popsicle for all I care!

"Don't go flattering yourself now, Deidara-chan," Hidan snorted, throwing his blanket onto the frigid ground. "And while you're in the warm, soft bed of yours, I'll be freezing my ass off on the cold, hard ground..."

No response.

"The _cold, hard ground_," Hidan ground out, moaning dramatically for emphasis.

"Shut up, yeah!" Deidara groaned. "You're just like Tobi!"

"I _can't_ be as bad as that giggling idiot," Hidan said dubiously, shivering as his skin made contact with the floor.

"Trust me, you're getting there," Deidara grunted. "You're lucky I took pity on you and let you in here in the first place, so just go to sleep, un."

"Fucking fine then," Hidan grumbled, but he obediently closed his eyes.

And opened them again.

"Dude. The fucking window's not closed."

Deidara twitched. Was this some sort of sick, twisted joke? Was he being punished for something?

"I'm frigging serious. Don't you hear it rattling? How the fuck am I supposed to go to sleep --"

"Shut up, un!" Deidara cried, leaping from his bed and stomping towards the window, an enraged expression on his face.

Hidan seized his chance.

"_You fell for it_!" the Jashinist gloated, diving for Deidara's bed and tangling himself into the blankets, still warm from their previous inhabitant's body heat. "Oh, it feels so fucking nice..." Hidan groaned, sighing.

"Hey! That's my bed, un!"

"Too fucking bad!" Hidan exclaimed, burying his face in Deidara's pillow and reveling in the blissful warmth. "Thank Jashin, I can actually feel my ass again..."

"_Go back to the couch_," Deidara said threateningly, his voice dangerously unstable as his single visible eye glared at the dozing Jashinist.

"You're out of your damn mind if you think I'm going back," Hidan mumbled, already half-asleep. "D'you have any idea how lumpy that thing is?"

Deidara's eyes narrowed.

"Fine," he said simply, savagely yanking back the covers and sliding inside. "That's fine with me, un!"

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Hidan exclaimed, eyes popping out of his head as he felt Deidara's warm body curl against his.

"Relax, yeah," Deidara grumbled, stretching. "_I'm _not going to sleep on the couch, and this is my bed, un!"

"Stay on your damn side!" Hidan snapped, turning abruptly so that his back faced Deidara. Oh, he was going to _destroy _Tobi tomorrow...

Eventually, a peaceful silence settled over the two men.

It was promptly broken ten seconds later.

"You're on my side of the bed, un."

"_Bull_shit! This is my side!"

"Are you blind, yeah? This is my side!"

Hidan rolled so far away from Deidara he almost fell off the mattress. "Just stay away from me," he growled. "I will _kill _you if you make a move on me!"

"_Me _make a move on _you_?" Deidara scoffed. "Now just who was it that pinned me to the ground when I was wet and naked, _hmm_?"

"Well, if you want to get fucking technical, it was actually your fault. You weren't watching Tobi, he stole the clay, it exploded...and sent me crashing into you. So actually, Mr. Pretty Boy," Hidan said, smirking evilly, "you could have planned the whole damn thing, just to send me crashing into your arms..."

"Just shut up, yeah," Deidara said sleepily, closing his eyes and unconsciously placing his arm across the Jashinist's chest. "At least it's warm, un."

_Holy-fucking-shit_, Hidan thought. It was too much to process at 2:17 in the fucking morning, so he simply did what he normally did during times of great confusion -- he fell asleep.

* * *

In a general sense, Hidan did not like mornings. They were bright, they were sunny, and _damn, _they came early. But this particular morning, he wasn't sure if it was made better or worse because he had a warm body pressed close against his, inhaling and exhaling softly into his skin.

Hidan was not a snuggler. And in any case, he was not the one doing the snuggling - that was all Deidara. Even if the blonde was dozing away, that did not change the fact that Deidara was indeed snuggling.

And it wasn't the most horrible thing in the world either.

The Jashinist just lay there, his mind strangely lucid as he stared at Deidara's arm, which was thrown over Hidan's own chest. The weight was strangely comforting and actually kind of...

Nice?

_Oh-fucking-damn, I am going out of my friggin' mind._

Deidara stirred suddenly, his brow furrowing as sunlight fell directly onto his face. "Turn it off," the blonde mumbled irritably, frowning and burying his face into Hidan's side.

Hidan scoffed. "Turn off the fucking sun? Are you trying to kill us all?"

Deidara's blue eyes blinked open. If he was surprised to find the scythe-wielding masochistic zealot in his bed, it didn't register. "I'm going back to sleep," the blonde declared, using Hidan's arm as a shield from the intrusive sunlight.

The Jashinist snorted, but closed his eyes as well.

A few lazy moments passed, during which Hidan decided it was too fucking early to think about all this shit, and he might as well go back to sleep again and deal with it at noon.

"You like it, don't you," Deidara mumbled sleepily, a hint of triumph coloring his voice as shifted comfortably against the Jashinist.

"Yeah right," Hidan scoffed. "I'm just too lazy to move."

The blonde smirked. "Keep telling yourself that, yeah."

* * *

_Omake _

The blonde smirked. "Keep telling yourself that, yeah."

Hidan growled, muttering under his breath as he rolled away from Deidara.

"Hey!" Deidara protested, as his pillow (otherwise known as Hidan's arm) was abruptly jerked out from under his head. "And you call me the sensitive one!" he snorted, sitting up and glancing over at the Jashinist. "Are you sulking?"

"No," Hidan sulked.

Deidara scoffed, prodding Hidan's shoulder. "Hey, Hidan!" When he saw that no answer was forthcoming, he frowned in annoyance. "Don't ignore me, un!" Irritated, he reached over and grabbed the Jashinist's silver locks, giving them a firm tug.

Hidan yelped. "What the fuck're you doing?!" he exclaimed, rolling over to glare furiously at the blonde.

Deidara smirked triumphantly. Hidan would never admit it, but he was ridiculously particular about his hair - Kakuzu was always complaining about the expense of Hidan's plethora of hair care products. "You're grumpy in the morning, yeah," Deidara observed, giving the silver locks another teasing tug.

The next thing the blonde knew, he was thrown back against the mattress, Hidan pinning down his wrists with a roguish look in his violet eyes.

"You know, no one has ever touched my hair without facing the consequences," he said ominously. It would have been quite impressive and threatening had there not been such a mischievous look in the Jashinist's eyes.

"Punishment?" Deidara mused, his mouth curving into a smile. "I could handle that, un..."

"I don't know, pretty boy," Hidan said, in a mock-thoughtful voice, a roguish smile settling on his handsome features.

"Don't call me that, un," Deidara muttered, but there was something about a half-naked man straddling him first thing in the morning that threw off his concentration.

Hidan smirked. The things he would do with his pretty boy sex slave...

Maybe Valentine's Day wasn't heathen crap after all.

_A/N: Happy Valentine's Day everyone! Thanks to my best friend, fellow writer, and beta __**Rebellwithoutacause**__ - who is now __**fully **__immersed into the Naruto fandom, hurray! (It was bound to happen eventually, liebe xD) Please review if you enjoyed! _


End file.
